Monday, November 30, 2009

Seventeen - edited with a WOOHOO

Wow, seventeen months of waiting for our referral - I can truly say that I NEVER thought I would be counting our wait for this long (and who knows how much longer). The irony is that if I think back to a year ago, I was far more anxious and consumed with the wait than I am today - it is hard to determine why this is - maybe one year ago we WERE soooo close (hahahaha)! - maybe I have become complacent with everything - maybe everything has been on hold for so long that I am just in that holding mode, almost a coping mechanism. Whatever it is - I'll take it for now. Maybe once things start moving again (like when the first referrals come through) I will be back to my old anxious self - won't that be exciting?!?!

One thing I do know is that today is the day that the retainer agreements are due. To be honest, I have really not spent a lot of time worrying about whether we will have enough families to continue. I am quick confident that we don't have anything to worry about. But I will certainly post once I know for sure.


Thursday, November 12, 2009


A few weekends ago I co-facilitated the mandatory adoption seminar for open-domestic adoption at our local adoption agency (where Sara was brought into our life). I was so thrilled (and nervous) that they had asked me – I am a strong adoption advocate and believe that, as an adoptive parent, one of my responsibilities (whether I asked for it or not) is to communicate with others about what I have learned about adoption, dispel the myths about adoption and share our experience of the miracle that adoption brings into a family.

With everything that has been happening with our current adoption, I wondered if I would be in the right frame of mind to share our adoption journey. Our journey has been filled with many ups, downs, joys and heartbreaks – but, in the end, it is our story – all of it – including the miracle of Sara and the wonderful relationship we share with her birthfamily, as well as the ache of our reversals and the decision to pursue international adoption and ALL the drama that has surrounded it. So, I decided to go into the session with 100% honesty, because the reality is that NO ONE has a 'perfect' or 'easy' adoption. But in the end, when the most incredible miracle is placed into your arms for the first time, you realize that faith, destiny, divine intervention, fate, and a higher power do exist - and everything that you have been through becomes so clear and (almost) forgotten.

The weekend started on Friday evening. The room felt heavy and thick with feelings of defeat, pain, bitterness, anger, desperation, uncertainty and scepticism. I remember being where they are (Hell, I'm still there some days). I remember sitting on the other side of the table and thinking that NOTHING anyone would say could make the pain subside - No words could heal the emotional torture we had endured for so many years.

As much as I wished I could have said to each family "This WILL happen for you soon, fast, and perfectly", there is never any guarantee, assurance or certainty in adoption (is there in anything we do?). I tried to offer families a sense of comfort and insight. It was important to me to be honest with them about the whole process. As amazing as the end is, the journey can be long and bumpy.

But, by the end of Sunday afternoon the mood in the room had shifted and the room seemed calmer, with feelings of renewed hope and belief - and it was an amazing feeling that I played a small part in that. At the same time, for me, it also provided renewed energy and reaffirmed our decision about our current adoption - it was a great weekend.

Friday, November 06, 2009


Our retainer agreement arrived today - Yippee. For the first time in a few weeks I felt just a little moment of panic when I read "In the event that Imagine Adoption does not continue operations due to an insufficient amount of retainers received, the families will be notified and the retainer fee will be returned..." - Gulp - Could this actually happen? - No! I just can't go there, I won't go there - I believe that we have stood united throughout this entire process and that this retainer is simply our celebration of what we have accomplished and how far we have come in only four months. The retainer is a symbol of the end of this awful mess and the start of a new beginning for all of us.

We will be sending our retainer in ASAP, with no hesitations whatsoever.

"I will bring my baby home"...the one I dreamed of the other night!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

I dreamed last night

I dreamed last night of my sweet precious baby - It kept me up for half the night - it felt so real, so right. I have not dreamed like that in a very long while. It was so perfect...I was holding him, kissing him, loving him...


Sunday, November 01, 2009

"It's for my collection"

Sara loves to collect things - and when I say "things" I pretty much mean anything she finds. At school, when she plays outside in the playground she fills her pockets with "things" for her collection. Every few days I have to emptying her jacket pockets and disposing of the contents. I have found everything from bottle caps, grass, leaves, feathers, rocks (many many rocks), food wrappers, twigs, cigarette butts (gross), just to name a few.

The other day, as I was once again emptying her pockets, I came across something very interesting - a small baggy of marijuana. That's right, marijuana, about a gram worth. It took me a few moments to realize that I was actually seeing what I was seeing. And yes indeed it was! Sara saw me examining the bag and I asked her where she found it. She replied "At the playground, it is for my collection."

Like most things in her collection, we will be disposing of this item asap. And of course, we will be informing the school of her finding.

The Little Mermaid