Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Something's Gotta Give

Really. Really? Really! Two frickin' years. This cannot be true. I never thought it would come to this. No referrals in over two months is so so so very sad :(

How long can we be "close" or "next" before it doesn't count or matter anymore? I have not felt this low in a very long time. There is not much anyone can say at this point that could even come close to make this awful feeling go away.

I have now seen several people with the same DTE month or later arrive safely home with their precious babies - this nightmare is finally over for them - and as happy as I am for each one of those families, I can't help but feel so sad for us – it’s just hard when so many good things are happening all around me. I just want to catch our break - just one little break, is that too much to ask?

We celebrated Sara's 6th birthday this week (with a clown, cake, and her friends - it was GREAT and she had so much fun). She is getting so big, I love watching her grow, but sometimes miss my sweet little baby girl. She asks constantly about her baby brother. It is hard to even know what to tell her anymore. She saw my blog the other day and noticed that the Baby Lilypie tracker was near the end of the line and she said, excitedly "Look Mommy, we are almost done, when the baby gets to the end that is when our baby will come!" I cannot bear to see my Lilypie Baby fall off the end of my tracker AGAIN – so I have moved the tracker into a timeout at the bottom of my blog!

In our recent (sad and depressing) homestudy update, we increased our age range to up to 24 months. We have been wanting to change our request for over 18 months now - You may ask yourself - then why didn't you? Well, 18 months ago we were told that we were so close that it wouldn't make any difference. Then we waited and waited and waited. Then the bankruptcy. Then we were close again...and so on... So this time, we decided that no matter how close we are and if it doesn't really matter anyway, then we midaswell change it.

Ethiopian court is expected to close during the rainy season (as it does every year), usually for most of August and September. Which means, even if we receive a referral soon (Ha, there I go hoping again, why do I keep doing that to myself?) we will likely not make it through court before the closure, leaving us to sit and wait (yet again) until Oct-Nov-Dec for a court date. This one is still sinking in for me - I'm not quite there yet.

I can’t even say, “I just want to see a referral, any referral at this point”, because, I don’t, I only want to see OUR referral – selfish? Yes, but at this point, I don’t really care – I think I have earned the right to be selfish. Being at this point in the wait is harder then ANYTHING I have experienced along this adoption journey to date. And yes, even harder then the bankruptcy – that was devastating, but this is torture.

So, considering I can’t see an attitude adjustment for myself anytime soon, I have decided instead to adjust my blog – give it a little face lift – nothing fancy (I don’t have the energy for that right now), just a little tweak.

Wow, was this post full of a whole lot of nothing but bitchin’ – I guess I needed to get it out…

Thursday, June 24, 2010

If you won't do it for you - do it for us.

My husband has a bad habit. Well, OK, he has several, but most of his bad habits are more annoying or goofy, then anything else. BUT he has one bad habit that is reckless and frankly, just stupid... he doesn't always wear his seat belt.

When he is with me, he is always wearing it, because he knows better! But sometimes when he is alone in the car, he admits that he doesn't always buckle-up. I have been telling him for a long time now "Don't do it for you, do it for us!!" The other day I was sent this ad from the UK, which finally puts a picture to the words I try to express to Chad. It is so powerful and heart-hitting, I thought I would share with you:

I love you Sweetheart, I just want you to be safe - for you...and us!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Our Little Tapper

And flowers from three sets of proud grandparents - Beach Grandma and Grandpa (Chad's parents), Popcorn Grandma and Papa (my parents), and Birth Grandma and Grandpa!!
Now that's a lot of proud people!!
I tried to download the actual dance, but it was too big to post - too bad, it was sooooo cute!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Who was I before all this?

It's hard to remember who I was before infertility and adoption - or what I used to think about or did with my time. I know I am not the same person I was before all this. My emotions seemed to have met themselves in the middle and I rarely react to anything anymore - good or bad.

Will I find who I am suppose to be when this is all over? Will I go back to who I was before all this? - Do I want to go back to who I was? Or will I, inevitable, evolve into a new version of myself? Or is this who I am now?

We have been in a continuous state of uncertainty for over 8 years. We have tackled (and sometimes have been tackled ourselves) every-single barrier/reminder that is thrown in front of us along the way. We are always on the edge of our seats, wondering when the next bomb will drop. When (or if) this ever ends, what will be the next weight tossed upon our shoulders? Will I be able to tackle that too? My life has been in constant disorder for so long now, what if I have become come one of those people who is so used to chaos in their life that I won't know how to live without it?

Will life ever be 'normal' again?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Because I need them to know

Jess and Darrell have been on my mind lately. I have followed their blog from well before they received their referral last year and check in on them often as they fight to bring home their beautiful girls. After I read their most recent post, I cried - I cried for them and the pain they must be going through and the unimaginable tragedy that they must be living through right now.

I need Jess and Darrell to know that if there is ANYTHING we can do to advocate to help bring those girls home - letters, emails, phone calls, etc. I will see to it that it happens. I would never want to impose at such a difficult time, so I would never act until instructed to do so. But when ready, I will fight as hard as necessary - I've still got lots left in me!

I could not sit quickly without sending my thoughts, hopes, prayers, and admiration to Jess and Darrell.

My feelings summed up in a picture

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Just what I needed

Who's that cute little lady next to me? It's Lyndsey! I was in Victoria last weekend and we met for dinner, wine, and good company - who knew you could talk about adoption for over 3 hours and still have more to say. I love that she (and Kevin) gets it - ALL of it. I love that we are not alone in this lonely process. I love that I finally met this friend.

Not a bad looking bunch I will say.