Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Something's Gotta Give

Really. Really? Really! Two frickin' years. This cannot be true. I never thought it would come to this. No referrals in over two months is so so so very sad :(

How long can we be "close" or "next" before it doesn't count or matter anymore? I have not felt this low in a very long time. There is not much anyone can say at this point that could even come close to make this awful feeling go away.

I have now seen several people with the same DTE month or later arrive safely home with their precious babies - this nightmare is finally over for them - and as happy as I am for each one of those families, I can't help but feel so sad for us – it’s just hard when so many good things are happening all around me. I just want to catch our break - just one little break, is that too much to ask?

We celebrated Sara's 6th birthday this week (with a clown, cake, and her friends - it was GREAT and she had so much fun). She is getting so big, I love watching her grow, but sometimes miss my sweet little baby girl. She asks constantly about her baby brother. It is hard to even know what to tell her anymore. She saw my blog the other day and noticed that the Baby Lilypie tracker was near the end of the line and she said, excitedly "Look Mommy, we are almost done, when the baby gets to the end that is when our baby will come!" I cannot bear to see my Lilypie Baby fall off the end of my tracker AGAIN – so I have moved the tracker into a timeout at the bottom of my blog!

In our recent (sad and depressing) homestudy update, we increased our age range to up to 24 months. We have been wanting to change our request for over 18 months now - You may ask yourself - then why didn't you? Well, 18 months ago we were told that we were so close that it wouldn't make any difference. Then we waited and waited and waited. Then the bankruptcy. Then we were close again...and so on... So this time, we decided that no matter how close we are and if it doesn't really matter anyway, then we midaswell change it.

Ethiopian court is expected to close during the rainy season (as it does every year), usually for most of August and September. Which means, even if we receive a referral soon (Ha, there I go hoping again, why do I keep doing that to myself?) we will likely not make it through court before the closure, leaving us to sit and wait (yet again) until Oct-Nov-Dec for a court date. This one is still sinking in for me - I'm not quite there yet.

I can’t even say, “I just want to see a referral, any referral at this point”, because, I don’t, I only want to see OUR referral – selfish? Yes, but at this point, I don’t really care – I think I have earned the right to be selfish. Being at this point in the wait is harder then ANYTHING I have experienced along this adoption journey to date. And yes, even harder then the bankruptcy – that was devastating, but this is torture.

So, considering I can’t see an attitude adjustment for myself anytime soon, I have decided instead to adjust my blog – give it a little face lift – nothing fancy (I don’t have the energy for that right now), just a little tweak.

Wow, was this post full of a whole lot of nothing but bitchin’ – I guess I needed to get it out…

14 comments:

D Dae said...

:(
I can not believe what has happened with the program. It is unbelieveable and I so wish you never had to see your baby leap off the end of your tracker again.... :(

Sarah said...

BLAH! (in agreement) to everything you said.

On a cheerier note, your new blog background is very cute.

Janice said...

Oh Laura,

It's gotta be so, so hard. I'm so sorry you are caught in the lull. I want you to catch a break too.

I love the new look of the blog.

Wishing with all my might that the referral comes soon,

Janice

Lavonne said...

bitch away. you're entitled.

emily and mike said...

Oh Laura, I wish I lived closer and I could come and take you out for drinks or lots and lots of dessert! I'm so sorry you are going through this torturous wait and that there is a chance you may even get stuck in court closures. I honestly thought this wouldn't happen and that for SURE you'd have your referral by now. And you have every right to be selfish right now!
Praying for you. xoxo

elsie hiebert said...

My DTE is Dec. and I am going absolutely crazy. I can't imagine how you feel. We also just recently increased our age and wished we would have done it months ago like I had wanted to. I think I will be the most excited when you receive your referal.

Maria said...

Laura, i hear ya, I wished too that we were a little closer so we could hit the bar and bitch away..

come on referrals, we so need you!!!

Maria ( so close too but yet so far BOOO)

Joy said...

Fair enough - of course you want YOUR referral - really hoping it comes super-soon!

Ruth Branson said...

Sucks.

Ruth

Jessa Rodenburgh said...

I'm thinking of you all. I know as we passed 20 months I was so freaking miserable I can't even imagine how you must be feeling!! You have every right to bitch away so please do as often as you need to!! xx

Julie said...

Hang in there! It will happen. Waiting sucks.

Greg & Leanne said...

If I had the resources I'd fly out your way for a coffee, some chocolate desserts, & and a nice long weekend... Find my hubby a job your your way and we can be neighbours :)

It's gonna happen, for what it's worth. We have 4+ years between our middle and youngest and it's working great.

Sarah Rodgerson said...

I cannot even believe your DTE was only 2 mths after ours and this is the awful difference those 2 months made....it is so not fair and I wish I had words to make it better. Right now all I can offer are prayers but I know they are gonna work soon!! hang in there!

Sharla said...

What to say?! Anniversaries are usually to celebrate happy things like surviving another year of marriage or of being able to stop a bad habit and stick with it or of reminiscing of what happened this time last year but in this case, two years is just...I don't know. It must be beyond hard for you. Our wait felt like forever and by comparison, it was a blink. I bet you about want to throw that tracker out the window!