Really. Really? Really! Two frickin' years. This cannot be true. I never thought it would come to this. No referrals in over two months is so so so very sad :(
How long can we be "close" or "next" before it doesn't count or matter anymore? I have not felt this low in a very long time. There is not much anyone can say at this point that could even come close to make this awful feeling go away.
I have now seen several people with the same DTE month or later arrive safely home with their precious babies - this nightmare is finally over for them - and as happy as I am for each one of those families, I can't help but feel so sad for us – it’s just hard when so many good things are happening all around me. I just want to catch our break - just one little break, is that too much to ask?
We celebrated Sara's 6th birthday this week (with a clown, cake, and her friends - it was GREAT and she had so much fun). She is getting so big, I love watching her grow, but sometimes miss my sweet little baby girl. She asks constantly about her baby brother. It is hard to even know what to tell her anymore. She saw my blog the other day and noticed that the Baby Lilypie tracker was near the end of the line and she said, excitedly "Look Mommy, we are almost done, when the baby gets to the end that is when our baby will come!" I cannot bear to see my Lilypie Baby fall off the end of my tracker AGAIN – so I have moved the tracker into a timeout at the bottom of my blog!
In our recent (sad and depressing) homestudy update, we increased our age range to up to 24 months. We have been wanting to change our request for over 18 months now - You may ask yourself - then why didn't you? Well, 18 months ago we were told that we were so close that it wouldn't make any difference. Then we waited and waited and waited. Then the bankruptcy. Then we were close again...and so on... So this time, we decided that no matter how close we are and if it doesn't really matter anyway, then we midaswell change it.
Ethiopian court is expected to close during the rainy season (as it does every year), usually for most of August and September. Which means, even if we receive a referral soon (Ha, there I go hoping again, why do I keep doing that to myself?) we will likely not make it through court before the closure, leaving us to sit and wait (yet again) until Oct-Nov-Dec for a court date. This one is still sinking in for me - I'm not quite there yet.
I can’t even say, “I just want to see a referral, any referral at this point”, because, I don’t, I only want to see OUR referral – selfish? Yes, but at this point, I don’t really care – I think I have earned the right to be selfish. Being at this point in the wait is harder then ANYTHING I have experienced along this adoption journey to date. And yes, even harder then the bankruptcy – that was devastating, but this is torture.
So, considering I can’t see an attitude adjustment for myself anytime soon, I have decided instead to adjust my blog – give it a little face lift – nothing fancy (I don’t have the energy for that right now), just a little tweak.
Wow, was this post full of a whole lot of nothing but bitchin’ – I guess I needed to get it out…