It's hard to remember who I was before infertility and adoption - or what I used to think about or did with my time. I know I am not the same person I was before all this. My emotions seemed to have met themselves in the middle and I rarely react to anything anymore - good or bad.
Will I find who I am suppose to be when this is all over? Will I go back to who I was before all this? - Do I want to go back to who I was? Or will I, inevitable, evolve into a new version of myself? Or is this who I am now?
We have been in a continuous state of uncertainty for over 8 years. We have tackled (and sometimes have been tackled ourselves) every-single barrier/reminder that is thrown in front of us along the way. We are always on the edge of our seats, wondering when the next bomb will drop. When (or if) this ever ends, what will be the next weight tossed upon our shoulders? Will I be able to tackle that too? My life has been in constant disorder for so long now, what if I have become come one of those people who is so used to chaos in their life that I won't know how to live without it?
Will life ever be 'normal' again?
10 comments:
I was thinking the same thing the other day. I am changing into a different person and I am not sure I like this person. Hope you get a referal SOON!!!!
No one comes through this as the same person they were before. It just can not happen. Once you have seen Ethiopia, once you are carrying the burden of nurturing a young life that was shaped by tragedy, you will never, ever be the same. Until you reach the other side, there is still so much more chaos and change to come, no one is the same afterwards. For us Imagine clients, we add only more tragedy and heartache to the equation.
When you're done all this, you'll be the kind of person who fights for what she wants and never gives up!
I know for sure I will never be the same but this long long journey made me who I am and when the pressure and frustration is gone after so much waiting, i think we will like who we became. Sarah is right one thing is for sure giving up will never be an option..
Lets hold on a little longer and let the referrals come!! We can do it and we need to...
Thanks for your message on my blog (which is way out of date...I am just so tired of the waiting). All the best to you and your family. This process has changed me too, some parts good and some parts not so great. - Cara
Same person deep down I think, just with different priorities, new perceptions, different reactions to common situations that the rest of us often take for granted. Before Sara, you had dreams. Now you absolutely know love and great joy with no bounds and I can see how that experience alone can intensify the frustration and uncertainty. I, personally, am changed by my husband's experience in Afghanistan, even though I wasn't there. It's because of 7 months of stories of children that I know I'll never be able to help. My trip to Mexico had the same profound effect, especially after watching young children chasing each other on the roofs of the houses! To see tiny ones, alone, on the street, selling food to tourists, with equipment that was so unsafe, I nearly crossed the road to protect myself was heart wrenching and a helpless feeling of hopelessness. It killed me to leave without them. Someone as deeply caring about people and mankind (such as yourself and your friends in the same situation) will always be profoundly affected by the strife's of others, the ignorance of insensitive people and the hopelessness of not being able to help. You simply can't help it. That is who you were, and who you still are though. I love what D Dae said about nurturing a life affected by tragedy. As a friend, I am proud that the opportunity will come (and it WILL come) when I can be a part of your miracle. The miracle where you get the opportunity to do what people like me don't have the courage or determination for. You give us all hope. All of life's experiences make us who we evolve into over time, like family crisis, family additions, jobs, moves, joys, tragedies, AGE, friends, health. You're still you Laura, just a greater, older, wiser, more beautiful version!
Joan
I would echo what Shelley (D Dae) said. You will never be the same, nor would you want to be. I hope though that the difficulties will shape you in ways that are positive, in ways that help you to empathize with others who are facing challenges of any kind, and in ways that will help you to raise both of your children to be as strong and loving as you are.
I think life will feel "normal" again for you although I'm sure you will be a changed person (in a good way). The referral, when it comes (and it will come), will provide you with some peace and a sense of calm despite the hurdles that still lie ahead. I know it's been said many times over but
"what doesn't kill you will make you stronger."
It's in your heart to do this Laura and as painful as the bankruptcy was and as painful as the waiting still is, it will be worth it when you see that little face. It's a long, hard road that requires an enormous amount of strength and patience. The journey to build your family has not been easy but when the four of you are finally together, life will really be worth celebrating.
I think that every event in life changes us. The magnitude of infertility and adoption is enormous. During our infertility journey and now during our adoption process I just keep reminding myself that this journey is just as tough as a divorce or the death of a loved one would be. It's true. There are stages of sadness, grief, anger, resentment, joy, hope and eventually happiness. You are not alone.
Gosh, you are all such amazing women - it is incredible that I have you all standing behind me. Yours words inspite me and give me hope and help me push through.
Keep being amazing!
Laura
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