Confession Friday, Dec 31

I confess that I stole this post idea from Rana.

I confess that I have been completely overwhelmed and beyond grateful for all the support we have received over the past couple months and comforted that we have so many amazing people sticking with us through this long drawn out painful chaos.

I confess that all I want to do for News Year Eve is hibernate.

I confess that I purchased a WAY too expensive purse for myself and am in love with it.

I confess that I am so so so so happy for Rana and Yvan to FINALLY be bringing their sweet boy home! Finally Finally Finally!!!

I confess that the extreme stress I have been under lately is the best weight-loss program ever, too bad I feel like shit. I have two levels of stress - Level 1: "Oh that really ticks me off and I can't stop thinking about it so I'm going to eat my face off and maybe that will make it go away" stress, and Level 2: "Oh that hit me across the back of the head and I didn't even see it coming and the thought of eating makes me ill" stress. I've been in level 2 for a couple months now.

I confess that I want to vomit into my computer almost everyday and tell you everything about the hell we are living, but cannot...

I confess that I have not exercised since the summer.

I confess that I think about the time I spent with Seth everyday. I can still feel his soft skin and hair and see his big beautiful smile.

I confess that I bought something at Lu Lu Lemon a couple days ago, not because I loved it or needed it, but because it was on sale.

I confess that my thumbs are numb from playing Sara's new Super Mario DS game. The other day Sara asked me "Can I please have a turn?" Mark my words people, I will rescue that frickin' princess if it kills me, unless my thumbs fall off first.

I confess that I can always be more hopeful for other people than I can for myself.

I confess that I am feeling guilty for not going to church on Sundays more often (thanks Mom for reminding of this each week :))

I confess that I can't wait for NFL football season to end.

I confess that I like watching iCarly with Sara. OK, and SpongeBob and Hannah Montana.

I confess that I have a 1000+ more confessions and could go on and on and on and on...

And again...

Postponed again until January 12, 2011.

No words, just numb.

One more sleep

Sara is so ready for Santa to come...and has the list (several in fact) to prove it! And she even brought her list with her to see Santa so she (or he) wouldn't forget anything...

Wishing everyone in my life a wonderful family-filled Christmas with much love and joy.

It's just a sliver, but I found some.

We have recently been feeling more hopeful about things and to be honest I have no idea why - maybe it's from coming off our (mostly) worry-free holiday, or maybe it's the time of year, or maybe it's just another coping mechanism to get us though the next little while - who knows??? But having this hope is actually more scary then not having any at all, cuz now our expectations have been raised, our senses are on overdrive, some of the numbness is thawing, and it feels like we will crash even harder if things don't work out.

With this renewed hope, for the first time in almost two months, I let myself dream about our boy coming home the other night - I didn't even try to stop it, I just let the dream come. It was scary to let my heart open up that far, but at the same time, as I held him in my arms and rocked him to sleep in the dream, it felt so peaceful. And the other day, for the first time in a long time, I stopped and studied one of his photos we have hanging on the fridge...I looked into his big brown eyes and wished with all my might for him to be ours forever.

The following is taken from something I posted almost one year ago about my feels of "hope":

Hope. I most often associate the word 'hope' as something positive. Synonyms for hope include expect, trust, anticipate, wish, look forward to, desire, faith - All words that imply a strong belief in a positive future.

We use the word hope so freely in day-to-day conversations - "I hope it doesn't rain today." We sometimes use the word to be rude - "I hope you aren't planning on wearing that tonight?" We also use the word for things that will probably never happen - "I hope we win the lottery." And we of course, use it for more significant events - "I hope our baby comes home."

Hope is nothing more than having a belief in something that has not happened. There is no guarantee, promise or assurance in hoping. Hope means that we are waiting on or wanting something - that something has not happened yet and there is a chance that it may not. Hope can make us vulnerable, fragile, and exposed.

So why do we bother with hope?

Hope gets us out of bed each morning. Hope is sometimes the only thing keeping us going. Hope can never let us down. If you have hope, anything is possible.

Hope is sometimes all we have...

Escape from reality

We decided that we needed to escape from life for a bit and booked an impromptu getaway with Sara to Mexico. We, of course, knew that we could only escape from our reality for a short time, but it was much needed for all of us. We were able to be together as a family and just be in the moment.


And thanks to Les, Dave, and Mari for making it extra fun!

Postponed again

Court has been postponed again until December 30th...

I'd say "you have got to be kidding me?", but nothing surprises me anymore.

Court rescheduled

Court was rescheduled to December 17. If we could kindly ask for everyone to keep praying...please.

Another critical date approaches

Someone recently posted on an Ethiopian adoption forum I follow that November was the best month ever for Imagine families – I cried after reading that entry. I of course want nothing more then for every family to feel joy and excitement and to celebrate the announcement of every child, but we feel so far away from the happiness in the adoption world right now. It's like the ship has sailed without us, and no one even notices that we are missing.

I know we have so many people praying for and thinking about us and we are told daily that we are not alone, and this has truly been an invaluable comfort, but the reality is that we are the only family living through this experience right now.

As another critical date approaches we are left anxiously waiting once again. Our next court date has been scheduled for Monday, December 13th.