Thursday, November 13, 2008

Feeling defeated.

I am having a bad week. I am feeling completely defeated and doubtful that this is ever going to happen. I am feeling panicked that "something" is going to happen before we get our referral and that this will NEVER happen. I have a heavy chest just thinking about it right now. I look at the loooooong list of families ahead of us and selfishly wish that we should be bumped to the front, just because...then I feel guilty for even feeling this way, because I know there are so many families that have been waiting a lot longer then us, just as desperate to hold their babies as I am. And to add to my guilt, I have a beautiful, amazing, remarkable 4-year-old daughter and husband that I should be putting all this energy into.

I feel like every time a referral comes in that we get a little closer, then a new family appears on the forum who are ahead of us or I hear of families switching from siblings to singles, which puts us right back to the end of line again.

I sometimes feel like a fraud with my friends and family; they ask "Soooo, anything new?" and I respond "No, still waiting, but hopefully we will hear by Christmas...in the new year...in late winter...in the spring." - my answer changes every time someone asks. Was I ever a fool, when we started this process back in January, I actually thought that maybe we will be home with our baby by Christmas - jokes on me - little did I know that Christmas really meant 2009, not 2008.

13 comments:

Melissa said...

I hear you. It is an all-consuming process and it's hard not to have it in your mind even when you are already blessed with a child. I feel guilty when I hear from couples with (as of yet) no children, and while I love my boy, I still ache for my girl. And even though I've only officially begun to wait, it already seems like I've been waist-deep in it for so long. And the given timelines when I started? Yeah, I thought my babe would be home by the end of the school year. Now I'm hoping Christmas 2009, but even that is optimistic. It sucks. Simple as that. It's a rotten place to be, in limbo. I'm with you (and everyone else waiting): I just want it to be done.

Janice said...

Hi Laura,
Sorry to hear that you are down. It's not an easy process, there is no doubt about that. I find it hard when people ask if we have heard anything because it just reminds me that we have no news but I appreciate them asking because some people don't even remember we are adopting (I guess because I don't have a pregnant belly to show off). I have told my friends that I actually find it easier to wait when I'm not checking the blogs all the time. Having said that, I seem to be addicted to it lately. I haven't seen the long list of families waiting and to be honest, I'm glad. I'm really hoping for a winter referral (by Feb.) Do you think I'm dreaming?

Natalie and Chris said...

Hi Laura, I think everything you are feeling is normal and even though you feel guilty you shouldn't. I'm one of those parents to be that can't have children of my own and I don't ever look down on you for wanting your child home before mine gets here. It's your child no matter the circumstances and you will want him/her home now. I also find it hard when I see new people join the board and they are ahead of us in the process. I always feel like the goal is unreachable, but with the support of others we will all get through it together and all be thankful for each other in the end. Hang in there.

Cara said...

Hi Laura - Hang in there. I think your feelings are consistent with so many others. I try not to think about the wait, and it helps that I have a very long to do list here at home to get things ready for our future child. I find reading blogs helpful (but I tend to stay away from chat rooms because they make the wait seem longer). I hope you hear some good news soon. Kind regards, Cara

Ramona said...

Hi. I just came across your blog. I must say that I can hear your fears and frustrations- we are inching up on the 13 month mark of waiting for our referral from Ethio. Originally thought we'd be home now, but nope, still waiting... This isn't an easy journey! I look forward to following your journey to holding your kids!
Ramona
PS you can email me if you want to to see me blog willowdalewhimsy at yahoo.com (without the spaces and using the @ sign)

Carolyn said...

Hi Laura- I can totally relate and I think that those of us this in process all know what you are going through. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better and this is probably just the beginning of the ups and downs that you will go through. We are now at 12 months and 1 week and it is the support of all my follow adoption friends that is helping me survive. Please contact me anytime you need to vent or a shoulder to cry on.

Carolyn

Lorie said...

I so know where your're coming from. This has been a rotten week for me too.

It's hard seeing referrals coming in so slowly.

Things just HAVE to start moving.

Chad, Laura and Sara said...

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement...it is a true blessing to have you fine women to lean on for support.

Laura

P.S. Ramona, I tried emailing but it bounded back...my email is lcmorrison@shaw.ca

Rana said...

Oh you have written what has been in my heart many times.

Ramona said...

I don't know if you got my email, Laura, but I should have typed .ca after the willowdalewhimsy@yahoo part, not .com...
Ramona

andrea said...

Thanks for being so honest in your post... while it definitely sucks that any of us have to be in this boat as long as we're here its nice to know we're not alone :-)

I really connected with your comment about feeling like a fraud with friends. My husband and I have opted not to tell people (outside of our references and immediate family) until some as yet undetermined date in the future. Most days I know this is a really good decision because we don't have to deal with the daily questions etc... but a lot of the time I also feel like a huge fraud - here we are going through this huge thing and most of the people around me have no idea. Am I really being true to them, to my staff, to myself if they don't know what is going on?

Funny that a whole group of, for the most part, total strangers, know more about the most important thing we've ever done than most of the people around us in our lives everday.

Thanks for the opportunity to share in response to your post. Hang in there... A

Chad, Laura and Sara said...

I think you need to do what is right for you Andrea. In truth, for me, although many of my family and friends have no idea what this is like, most are my biggest supporters and advocates. So, as much as some people not understanding frustrate me, I appreciate that people care and ask how our journey is moving forward. Also, I feel that part of my responsibility of being an adoptive and prospective adoptive mom is to educate, advocate, set straight, or inform others about the adoption process - there are so many misconceptions and myths, I am glad that I can make a difference, at least in a small way.

With all that said, all my "virtual" friends are one of my main sources of comfort. So, please check in anytime, it is part of our responsilibity to support each other. Thank you for your words of support - I hope I can repay the favor.

Laura

lyndsey said...

I can totally relate to this entry, and i appreciate your honesty. Only those of us who are waiting can truly understand this. I currently only have a k9 child so the need for our children is overwhelming at times. hopefully xmas 2009 the wait is FINALLY over.