I am having a bad week. I am feeling completely defeated and doubtful that this is ever going to happen. I am feeling panicked that "something" is going to happen before we get our referral and that this will NEVER happen. I have a heavy chest just thinking about it right now. I look at the loooooong list of families ahead of us and selfishly wish that we should be bumped to the front, just because...then I feel guilty for even feeling this way, because I know there are so many families that have been waiting a lot longer then us, just as desperate to hold their babies as I am. And to add to my guilt, I have a beautiful, amazing, remarkable 4-year-old daughter and husband that I should be putting all this energy into.
I feel like every time a referral comes in that we get a little closer, then a new family appears on the forum who are ahead of us or I hear of families switching from siblings to singles, which puts us right back to the end of line again.
I sometimes feel like a fraud with my friends and family; they ask "Soooo, anything new?" and I respond "No, still waiting, but hopefully we will hear by Christmas...in the new year...in late winter...in the spring." - my answer changes every time someone asks. Was I ever a fool, when we started this process back in January, I actually thought that maybe we will be home with our baby by Christmas - jokes on me - little did I know that Christmas really meant 2009, not 2008.