Sunday, August 09, 2009

"You idiot, I tried."

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”

The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left.

A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save him.” So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”

Am I the idiot on the porch? Are all these delays, barriers, brick walls, and dead ends God’s way of trying to tell me that we need to stop all this? That it is over? That our time has passed? Is the bankruptcy one of the boats and this is His way of trying to rescue me from drowning?

What if this is suppose to be the end? And if it is, PLEASE just let it be!!! I don't know how much longer I can hold on - I began to grieve this loss and now we are offered hope. This is torture…emotional torture.

Maybe this whole journey is some kind of test? A test of patience, of perseverance, of will, of determination, of resilience, of endurance…of insanity.

One thing I do know is that I am so tired and I sometimes want to give up...but then I dream of him again...His eyes. His hands. His skin. His smile.

14 comments:

K_I_T_ said...

Oh, I am so sorry you are going thru this. I know how hard it would be if we had gotten news like you did thru Imagine. No one would understand the loss you feel, even though you have never seen your babies face...Unless you have been/are in the international adoption process. Keep fighting, until the last door is closed, keep fighting. Sending you a big wave of encouragement thru the internet....

The Mannings said...

I have felt the same way - is this it?? were we not meant to be parents at all? are we to be content as a couple and just be? I have wrestled with this for the last few weeks. I just can't imagine that this is the end. Hold tight - i am trying to have hope but its hard...

MBels said...

Laura, I'm not in the adoption process and can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. I do know the difficulty of wanting a child and finding out it's much more difficult than you ever thought it would be to have one. We tried for over six years and had to endure many doctors visits (including surgery for me) before we had Kellan. We had started to investigate adoption when we found out that we were lucky enough to have him. I have read your blog so I know your struggle has lasted so very long. Keep trying and hoping. I very much hope it works out for you.

Sarah Rodgerson said...

I can only imagine the highs and lows you must be going through. I have no idea what God is trying to tell you, and only He knows, and hopefully you will someday. There is a greater plan and I am sure one day it will all make sense. But right now, you have every right to feel frustrated and I hope things can be resolved and those frustrations can go away very soon. Thinking of you...

Sarah

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Laura. It's not time to give up yet...far from it.

Ruth...
...waiting with hope for a referral of two.

Alysia and Derrick said...

Laura,

I have wondered the very same thing the last few weeks. But I have come to the conclusion that this is the devil's work, not God's. The devil knows where our most sensitive areas are, and he delights in kicking us when we're already down. I don't think God is telling us, or you, that we are not allowed to provide a home for a child. I believe that even though the devil will keep attacking us, God will see us through, and someday (hopefully soon) each of our families will be blessed with a wonderful little bundle of joy, and your Sarah will be a proud big sister!
Hang in there!

Alysia

june said...

I am far from an expert in things theological, but I will say that I cannot see the hand of God in the actions and events that led to the bankruptcy. Rather, I think the bankruptcy is the flood, and the boat is what is being built by the determined families.

Thinking of you still.

Cara said...

I hear yah! This constant uncertainty is emotionally draining. Hang in there...that's all we can do right now.

Greg & Leanne said...

This is not His work. I am convinced that God does not work in negatives. His messages and works are positives.

Your Sister Leah said...

Laura, I would interpret the story differently. I think that the boats coming are the help and support of all of the determined families banding together. You were meant to get on that boat not to drown. Your dream will happen. I know it will. God only gives you as much as you can handle and you are a strong person (some might even say stubborn :-) ). You have overcome so much in your life and kept on going. This is just another step in your journey. Keep on fighting. We are right there by your side. One day will will look back on all this and you will realize that it has only made you a stronger person. I love you.

Dana said...

Laura,

Don't give up! It's not the end. We will be in Ethiopia one day picking up our boys, and it will be even more special due to all the hurdles we had to jump to make them a part of our lives. Hold on, and call me if you need to.

Dana

Ramona said...

Laura,

My heart has been heavy for you, knowing you are caught in this and are being torn in so many ways. I so hope and pray that you will yet hold your little boy. I agree with the others, that the bankruptcy cannot be the hand of God. And I wait with and for you...
Ramona

Sharla said...

I look at it differently. I see the sadness and hear the desperate cries from the families like yours of course and I feel terrible for what you are going through but I don't look at this bankruptcy as being the most sad for the families still waiting. I see it as the most sad for the kids who are waiting for families in Ethiopia. I just came back from there and held babies in my arms at Orphanages and looked into the eyes of young children who need parents to love them and my thought is...you CAN'T give up. Because to give up on your dream would also mean to give up on them. If the families affected by this are able to go forward and complete their adoptions, that means that around FIVE HUNDRED children who desperately NEED families will get them so keep fighting the fight. God wants those kids in homes. Don't give up. It's so much bigger than you and the one baby that you will give a loving home to. You are part of something that can change the lives of so many babies and children. Hang in there.

gayla said...

I just told this story to someone today, as another avenue of trying to have another child came to a halt. we are also a family-in-waiting with Imagine and have had many hurdles along the way, before, during, and even since our time on the waiting list. I was asking the same question- am i an idiot or do i just need to prove i can hang in there no matter what? it's crazy... good luck to you and to us all with this restructuring thing..