19 and Letting Go

Well I can now say with certainty that January will not be 'the' month - Monday marks the beginning of February and I pray that it brings us a little closer still...

You would think that letting go of all the doubt, hurt, denial, resentment, anger, and distrust about the past year would feel like such a relief, like the most freeing feeling ever… Well, I have never been more freakin’ scared in my entire life. For the first time in a very long time, I finally gave myself permission to be excited (it was a couple of weeks ago when my good friend D finally received her referral - yippee) - I even did a little happy dance in my living room - I could feel some of all that bad stuff lifting and I could feel a small piece of me beginning to trust again. Now, I feel so vulnerable and never thought that excitement could feel so terrifying. The doubt, hurt, and anger helped protect my heart, helped me cope, helped me prepare myself for when everything would fall apart, and I oddly felt some level of comfort in all the bad - almost like nothing else could hurt me - like I knew that as bad as it was, it could not get any worse...

But as unknown as the road ahead may be, I will not look back. With each new day, I begin to trust a little more and with each new referral, my excitement builds - and as scary as it is, I like where I am going better then where I have come from. So I will leave you will this visual (and yes, a little cheesy too) image of how I see our road ahead - it has some unknown bumps and bends and we cannot see the end, but the sun is shining in the distance...

My New Nephew...

...was born at 4:22 am this morning. Welcome Miles Richard Clinton! Everyone is healthy and doing well!And Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband today too.

I was going to title this post "It's a Boy", but I thought that would have been a cruel joke for all my bloggers, given our heightened sensitively with referrals lately.

The logic of a 5-year-old

If only life was as simple as the logic of a five-year-old...here are few of my recent favorites...
"Whoever is taller, is older."
"If you have grey/white hair, you must be a grandma or grandpa."
"Once you are old, you start growing young again."
"Where do flu-bugs live when they are not inside our body?"

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Sara: "Aren't you so glad that when a mommy is not ready to be a mommy, she finds a different mommy and daddy to love and take care her baby? I want someone to give a baby to me when I am big, just like me!"

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A few days after reading our book about the birds and bees, Sara informed us that "If we just 'make lots of love' our baby will come. If we love each other a whole bunch, our baby will come faster."

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Mommy: "Sara, we are going to my friend's house today to visit her new baby."
Sara: "What color is it?"
Mommy: "Her house?"
Sara: "No, the baby."

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Mommy: "Sara, who are you going to marry when you grow up?"
Sara: "Daddy!!!"
Mommy: "Who else? Because you can't marry Daddy, he is already married to me!"
Sara: " Well, some girls have lots of rings on their fingers, so I can marry Daddy too!"
Mommy: ?????

Cuddle Time training

Ever since the first day Sara came home we have had regular Cuddle Time as a family. The way Cuddle Time works is at any moment, at anytime during the day, Chad, Sara, or I can yell "Cuddle Time"; everyone must immediately stop what they are doing (within reason of course), race and jump into our bed. Cuddle Time can be as quick as a minute or ten or longer. We cuddle, giggle, chat, or sometimes play tent. Sara is ALWAYS in the middle - with Mommy on her left and Daddy on her right.

The other night Sara called "Cuuuuddle Tiiiiiiime", and while we were chatting, I asked Sara "Where is our baby going to go for cuddle time?" Sara thought for a minute and then hopped out of bed and came back 10 seconds later with her big teddy bear (aka new baby). She hopped right back into the middle - she placed the bear between Daddy and her, then moved him between her and I, then back between Daddy and her, then finally, moved the bear onto the other side of Daddy at the edge of the bed - then she grabbed both our hands and smiled...

I predict that cuddle time will only be the first of many times that our new baby cramps Sara's style...after 6 years of having Mommy and Daddy all to herself, who can blame her??? Any suggestions on how to soften the blow for when her sibling arrives, would be much appreciated.

BTW, as we laid there we explained to Sara that "the baby cannot be on the edge of the bed and that children have to be in the middle of Mommy and Daddy for Cuddle Time." So she moved the bear between Daddy and her, then smooshed her little bum and back against me with a little shuffle to get as close to me as she could - I love that feeling, when all she wants is mommy...

AOCD: An oldie but a goodie...

Do you have AOCD? - This just seems so fitting right now - and oh ya, I am at full AOCD capacity. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

What's in a number...

We are NUMBER 17...WOW, who knew that one simple number could bring about so many questions, reflections, "what if" scenarios, rationalizations, feelings, etc...

How many people have the same DTE as us? I know of at least six, all ranging from 17 to 22 on the list. Technically, we should all really be listed at 17. Right?

Do we minus the girl only requests? or the older children requests? or the young infant requests? Does it really matter? Our referral will come no faster or slower knowing this information. Will we wait one month, two, three, four, etc...?

Ironically though, being number 17 seems really significant. I think I will make 17 my new favorite number :)

First June 08 Referral

Announced today (and the referral was in the same infant category as our request)!!! Our Date to Ethiopia is June 30, 2008 for an either gender infant 0-18 months!!! Still a little ways to go, but we are getting closer...

I knew this would happen...

I have not felt this impatient and anxious since before the bankruptcy - I predicted months ago that these feelings would come once referrals resumed - whether it was a self-fulfilling prophecy or just the natural feelings that comes with waiting (again).

The referral poll I posted didn't help either – I thought the poll would be cute and I posted it with full intentions for it to be light-hearted and fun. With these anxious feelings resurfacing, the poll did not seem so light after all - I soon realized as the votes started coming in that no one would be able to provide "the right" answer for me, because the reality is that there just isn't one. If you voted “January or February” I wanted to know why you felt so confident and whether you knew something that I didn’t or wondered why you were giving me such false hopes. If you voted “March or April” I thought you were just telling me what I wanted to hear - trying to be logical, or picking the standard middle "C" answer - not too much not too little. If you voted "May and Longer" I was irritated at your pessimism and wondered why you were being so negative and discouraging (or maybe I'm just not ready for that reality yet). So bottom line - nothing you could have voted would have been the right choice; no matter how supportive or justified you were.

I know I am being way to melodramatic - the poll was in fun and the results really don't mean anything at all...so, I apologize for my negativity, it is certainly not intended to deter any support - as I will take all the support I can get right now. Just having a down couple of days...but am pushing through.

Maybe I will lay off the polls for a bit :0)

Results: When will we get our referral?

Total Votes: 41

January - 3 (7%)
February - 17 (41%)
March - 12 (29%)
April - 4 (9%)
May - 3 (7%)
Longer - 2 (4%)

A Poll: When will we get our referral?

Go on, take a guess...yours is as good as mine!!! Clearly, I am feeling quite daring today...