19 and Letting Go

Well I can now say with certainty that January will not be 'the' month - Monday marks the beginning of February and I pray that it brings us a little closer still...

You would think that letting go of all the doubt, hurt, denial, resentment, anger, and distrust about the past year would feel like such a relief, like the most freeing feeling ever… Well, I have never been more freakin’ scared in my entire life. For the first time in a very long time, I finally gave myself permission to be excited (it was a couple of weeks ago when my good friend D finally received her referral - yippee) - I even did a little happy dance in my living room - I could feel some of all that bad stuff lifting and I could feel a small piece of me beginning to trust again. Now, I feel so vulnerable and never thought that excitement could feel so terrifying. The doubt, hurt, and anger helped protect my heart, helped me cope, helped me prepare myself for when everything would fall apart, and I oddly felt some level of comfort in all the bad - almost like nothing else could hurt me - like I knew that as bad as it was, it could not get any worse...

But as unknown as the road ahead may be, I will not look back. With each new day, I begin to trust a little more and with each new referral, my excitement builds - and as scary as it is, I like where I am going better then where I have come from. So I will leave you will this visual (and yes, a little cheesy too) image of how I see our road ahead - it has some unknown bumps and bends and we cannot see the end, but the sun is shining in the distance...