Saturday, January 30, 2010

19 and Letting Go

Well I can now say with certainty that January will not be 'the' month - Monday marks the beginning of February and I pray that it brings us a little closer still...

You would think that letting go of all the doubt, hurt, denial, resentment, anger, and distrust about the past year would feel like such a relief, like the most freeing feeling ever… Well, I have never been more freakin’ scared in my entire life. For the first time in a very long time, I finally gave myself permission to be excited (it was a couple of weeks ago when my good friend D finally received her referral - yippee) - I even did a little happy dance in my living room - I could feel some of all that bad stuff lifting and I could feel a small piece of me beginning to trust again. Now, I feel so vulnerable and never thought that excitement could feel so terrifying. The doubt, hurt, and anger helped protect my heart, helped me cope, helped me prepare myself for when everything would fall apart, and I oddly felt some level of comfort in all the bad - almost like nothing else could hurt me - like I knew that as bad as it was, it could not get any worse...

But as unknown as the road ahead may be, I will not look back. With each new day, I begin to trust a little more and with each new referral, my excitement builds - and as scary as it is, I like where I am going better then where I have come from. So I will leave you will this visual (and yes, a little cheesy too) image of how I see our road ahead - it has some unknown bumps and bends and we cannot see the end, but the sun is shining in the distance...

12 comments:

Sarah said...

It is very exciting to read about your excitement. Crossing my fingers that February is "the month".

Ruth Branson said...

I know what you mean - I've been struggling to let myself BELIEVE again that it's going to happen. But, similar to you, I've decided that it's worth the risk of more hurt to enjoy the ANTICIPATION that comes along with believing. I find that I have to re-decide this every few days, as fearful thoughts again loom, but really, it's way more fun to live life with possibility in mind, rather than fear.

Thanks for the post - love the picture of the road. It is a crazy journey we're on!

Ruth

Dana said...

Believe.It WILL happen!!!!

lyndsey&kevin said...

I am really hoping February is YOUR month!! It is scary to let go of that protection, but we know that nothing is guaranteed in this process. It is good to believe it can happen though!!!!! I am doing the same thing when it comes to passing court... I protect and disconnect one day... then the next I am positive and attaching to the girls... those days are the scariest and also the most exciting!!!

L

Alysia and Derrick said...

I really hope you get your baby around Valentine's Day! I know any day would be GREAT, but I think Valentine's Day every year would be extra special! I know your turn is SOON! Glad you're feeling better about it all and I loved your picture. Very well put.

Ashleigh, Ben, Noah and Tait said...

The road pic rocks.
As with everyone else, I completely empathize. The desire to press forward and hope and know the anticipation and fear will lead to joy and family.
Praying that Feb is your month...and that we aren't too far down that windy mess of curves :)
A

The Carmodys said...

Let the excitment begin . . . again. I'm so happy you are where you are . . . scary or not. It's so worth it. Hoping with you that February is the month!

k

darci said...

i can totally relate to that-it is scary to let go of that self-preservation, and yet it's time to be excited again! you are so close, adn i can't wait to hear and do a happpy dance for you guys! :)
and ps, great pic! it totally captures this crazy trip!

The Warren Family said...

Great post, and great picture as well. I am experiencing a lot of the smae feelings...you did a really good job of putting it into words. I am getting really excited for you guys, you seem to be moving up the list fast (-:

Sharla said...

That is a great picture that depicts the uncertainty ahead and yet alo depicts the brightness and the possibilities.

Janice said...

The long and winding road... I'm on it too. Oh please let there be more referrals this week.

I'm thinking about a family trip south for March Break. It's got me focused on something exciting for the family in the near future. I spent yesterday aft. and evening searching for ideas on the internet. It kept me away from the adoption world for a while.

We will get there Laura, we will get there.

Janice

shannon said...

Wow just studying that famous list again,

You are sooooooo close

All the best in this last little stretch , where every day must feel so long.

Shannon