Wednesday, January 06, 2010

I knew this would happen...

I have not felt this impatient and anxious since before the bankruptcy - I predicted months ago that these feelings would come once referrals resumed - whether it was a self-fulfilling prophecy or just the natural feelings that comes with waiting (again).

The referral poll I posted didn't help either – I thought the poll would be cute and I posted it with full intentions for it to be light-hearted and fun. With these anxious feelings resurfacing, the poll did not seem so light after all - I soon realized as the votes started coming in that no one would be able to provide "the right" answer for me, because the reality is that there just isn't one. If you voted “January or February” I wanted to know why you felt so confident and whether you knew something that I didn’t or wondered why you were giving me such false hopes. If you voted “March or April” I thought you were just telling me what I wanted to hear - trying to be logical, or picking the standard middle "C" answer - not too much not too little. If you voted "May and Longer" I was irritated at your pessimism and wondered why you were being so negative and discouraging (or maybe I'm just not ready for that reality yet). So bottom line - nothing you could have voted would have been the right choice; no matter how supportive or justified you were.

I know I am being way to melodramatic - the poll was in fun and the results really don't mean anything at all...so, I apologize for my negativity, it is certainly not intended to deter any support - as I will take all the support I can get right now. Just having a down couple of days...but am pushing through.

Maybe I will lay off the polls for a bit :0)

9 comments:

Ruth Branson said...

Have you read my blog post from a day or two ago? I'm, like, completely ITCHING for more referrals. I check the yahoo forum every hour, at least, and am on the edge of my seat waiting. I'm usually a rather patient person, but not at the moment, let me tell you. So you've got company!!

I think I voted Feb - I voted this way because you were told it might be as early as Jan but I wanted to assume cautious optimism. Whenever it happens will be the exact right time, though, and once it happens, I imagine that the long wait will soon fade into insignificance. Note: I'm talking as much to myself as I am to you. Almost there!

RUth

Natalie and Chris said...

Hi Laura, Sorry you are feeling sad these last few days. I think it's perfectly normal and don't blame you in any way. We have been through so much in the last year and I think we all try to convince ourselves that we are now strong and will be fine but it's stronger than we are and it comes from the inside. Something out of our control. You must let it out, work through it and you will get better for a few more days, weeks. Hang in there, it will happen.

Janice said...

Hi Laura,

I'm feeling it too. Is this ever going to happen? The roller-coaster ride of emotions continues. Ugh1

emily and mike said...

oh man, i remember that insane anxiety/nervousness/excitement when we were close to getting our referral. Some days at the thought of it I was literally shaking. It's hard!

And just so you know, i confidently picked February as that was the month we were united with our Moses and got to bring him home. It's a good month, and I pray it will bring you good good news!

Lavonne said...

so back in that place hey? it's such a bad, hard place to be. nothing i say will help you so all i will say is i get it. and love you my friend.

Connie said...

I can understand your thoughts/feelings about the poll. I think I would be the same way. But whenever the referrral happens it will be at exactly the right time, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. That child will be meant for you!

Melissa said...

I voted. And I'm sorry. I really do understand. I'm about 4 months behind you, and am just hoping for the fall. The wait sucks, but it will come. That's how I comfort myself, anyway.

Ashleigh, Ben, Noah and Tait said...

Laura,
I think you hit the nail on the head for many of us. December's high was so incredible but/and I think it's reality now. For me, the hardest part is that we have nothing to go on. What I mean is this is a new (wonderfully new) agency so there's no real predictability to it. That's the toughest part for me. Will there be ten more this month, will there be 1 more. The Proposal said 5/month for the first six months but who knows. We're about 2 1/2 months behind you and I don't know if getting that list will help my confidence or hinder it, as it will be more 'black and white'.
I do agree w/ one of the comments above though that the child who is your child, YOUR CHILD is simply not ready yet. And when he/she is, you will know. And it will all fall in to place - maybe not as quickly as any of us would like, but it will.
Ashleigh

The Warren Family said...

I have been feeling up and down and all over the place as well. One day I feel confident everything will be fine and then the next day I am in a mood thinking it will never happen and wondering why I continue to chase after the carrot. I'm glad we heard of so many referrals this week, it has boosted my hope again. You guys are very close now!