Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The out pour of support and compassion we have received is truly awe-inspiring; we are so blessed. We have people celebrating from one end of the country to the other and everywhere in between. We have so many amazing family and friends, we just cannot thank you enough. And it is even more overwhelming that we have people we've never met before invested in our well-being, all praying and crying and celebrating this moment with us.

I am overwhelmed with the kindness of humanity. For the court to see what was happening to us, to fight for us, to side in our favor and to grant the adoption order. Words of thanks could never suffice the feelings I have for this compassion.

I am overwhelmed with disbelief. Strangely, through this whole experience it felt like I was living someone elses life and that what was happening to us wasn't real, and now that things are in our favor, I'm still feeling this way. But instead of living a nightmare, I need someone to pinch me to know I am not dreaming and we really have a SON...

I am overwhelmed with relief. An emotional, mental, and physical weight has been lifted. I can't believe that we are actually talking about Seth coming home again. It feels scary and comforting both at the same time.

I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that something will still go wrong. I know most people do not know the details of our story and it may have seemed that it was only a matter of time that we would have a positive outcome, but this news was truly unexpected and was not the way most families pass court. It really is a miracle that we can call Seth our son. I am still a bit stunned and guarded - we will continue to expect the unexpected and will not rest until he is finally home.

I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. We have had three months of emotions bottled up and pushed away, and finally my mind is racing with everything possible - good, bad, and everything in between. We had already begun to say good-bye, and now I have every possible feeling and emotion rushing through my body. You would think I would finally have a good night sleep, but instead I literally lay in bed ALL NIGHT LONG worrying and wondering, and still praying and hoping.

I am overwhelmed with love. My sweet precious son is a miracle. I love him so much it hurts.

Wishes, dreams and miracles...

Chad has his son.

Sara has her brother.

Seth has his family.

I have my miracle.

Confession Friday, Jan 28

I confess that we have no idea what to expect this morning - it could all be over or it could just be the beginning.

I confess that I could not stop laughing after we heard that our last court date was postponed - Chad thought there was something seriously wrong with me, but crying and screaming just seemed too obvious. I actually chuckled throughout the entire day at the ridiculousness of it all. It sometimes feels like it isn't even happening to us - that this is someone elses story and not our own. Can you say "disassociation"?

I confess that I have sometimes been avoiding people lately - pretending not to see them, walking in the other direction, acting really busy or rushed, etc. - anything to avoid having to tell them what's been happening, or should I say, what's NOT happening.

I confess that I have a couple of very special friends that I have met through this journey who have been much more than just email support over the past few months. Nothing is off limits, nothing is the wrong thing to say, and censoring is not an option. All the good, the bad, and the ugliest of uglies are exchanged. They have not wavered or ran away from the awfulness of our situation. They listen to me cry and scream through my words and I never have to feel badly for it. They don't try to "fix" or sugar-coat or give me false hopes - they are real and honest, but compassionate in their delivery. Thank you my dear friends - I know you know who you are.

I confess that it is Chad's birthday today and as of Thursday afternoon (when I'm writing this), I have still not bought his gift. But hopefully it won't matter if or what I get him, if we receive an unexpected miracle tomorrow...what better gift could there possibly be.

I confess that we booked our Vegas trip!

I confess that I have watched seasons 1 through 5 of Greys Anatomy over the last three months and just started season 6 . I cried and cried and cried at the end of the last episode of season 5 when Meredeth realizes that the guy that got ran over by the bus is George, and he and Izzy are both dieing and you don't know who will live - Oh, it was just too much. Like I haven't cried enough lately...

I confess that I hate the word "hump", I don't like the way it sounds or what it means - I think it is a really terrible English word...

I confess that we have a cleaning lady that comes every two weeks. And Chad and I spend the whole evening before running around the house tidying up and getting ready for her?????? Doesn't this defeat the whole purpose of having someone clean our house? Although she still seems to find 3 hours worth of cleaning...

I confess that Sara brings home SO much paper, clutter and "art" from school that we often end up throwing most of it away without her knowing. But when she sometimes finds it in the garbage we usually say "Oh, the cleaning lady must of done that." We just don't have the heart to say that we threw it away. Come on, there is only so much stuff we can keep.

Oh My Sara

"Mommy, you know that four would be a nice number for our family, but three is a pretty good number too!"

"Do you think Seth knows that I would be the best big sister ever?"

"You know Mommy, even if Seth doesn't come home, we can still love him in our hearts."

"If Seth doesn't come home can we finally get a dog?"

"That Seth, he's a little stinker for not coming home."

"It's OK if Seth doesn't come home - you have ME - and remember, I'm your favorite anyway!"

I wish we could all have the wisdom, logic, and confidence of a six-year-old...

Not even surprised

Guess??? Just take a wild flippin' guess...

Postponed to January 28, 2011.

Also Chad's birthday and Seth turns 20 months old...

An answer, but...

A decision was made today, but it was not the one we wanted to hear...

We were then told that a new court date was set for the 25th, but we have no idea what this means considering an answer was already given...

This is beyond anything I could ever possibly try to understand. The pain is strangling me.

Confession Friday - Early Edition (cuz I'm not sure how I'll be feeling tomorrow)

I confess that I am posting this on Thursday, cuz I'm not sure how I will be feeling tomorrow after we hear about court.

I confess that this will be a short confession because I have had a extra tough week since our last court date.

I confess that I know the words to most Ronnie Milsap and John Denver classic songs. My parents were huge fans in the 70's and these songs played on cassette tapes in the car all the way from BC to MB (and back again) every summer.

I confess that I lived in Smithers, BC until I was 9 and then moved to Winnipeg, MB and have been here ever since.

I confess that I love being tall. I am 5'9". I find it very intimidating when I have to look up at someone to speak to them, especially tall women - It's just not something I am used to, so it feels unfamiliar and awkward.

I confess that we (cuz Chad had to help) finally RESCUED THE PRINCESS and afterward Sara said "That's it? That's all it does?"

I confess that Chad and I are planning a trip to Vegas this spring.

I confess that I hope and wish and pray that tomorrow brings wonderful news.

Confession Friday, Jan 14

I confess that I found out about 10 minutes ago that our next court date has been scheduled for January 21 - one whole long week away - minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days...

I confess that I had hoped and prayed and wished for this confession to bring good news, but it is mostly filled with sad and pathetic thoughts.

I confess that I am now eating my words from a previous post View from the Top.

I confess that I would go back to the pain and hurt of infertility and the bankruptcy in a heartbeat to replace the pain and hurt of what we are living through right now.

I confess that last weekend Sara and I dressed up in "fancy" clothes, did each others hair, make-up, and painted nails, then danced around the living room to an entire Justin Bieber CD. I looked like a clown gone terribly wrong, but Sara was in her glory.

I confess that we need an answer. Any answer at this point. Postponements mean limbo and limbo mean we cannot move forward and not moving forward is beyond torture.

I confess that Tuesday is my least favor day of the week. It's a nothing day with no end in sight.

I confess that I would never wish what we are going through on my worst enemy, yet I have to watch my husband, daughter and family suffer through it everyday.

I confess that I am worried about what all this is doing to Sara. She said the other day "Mommy, I am very sad that I am not going to be a big sister. I miss Seth so much, and he will miss me too, right?"

I confess that Sunday will be six months since we received our referral and everyone in the same referral month as us are now home with their children - and this really hurts.

I confess that I drink over 3 litres of tea each day. Yes, 3 litres.

I confess that Chad and I are going out on a date tonight. Our house has been pretty quiet lately - there's not much to say really. But we need some "us" time, to celebrate the happiness we DO have - together as a couple and as a family.

Why? Why? Why?

Postponed again until next week - still waiting to find out exactly when.

Why us? It just hurts so badly.

Confession Friday, Jan 7

I confess that we celebrated New Years at 11:00pm and I was in bed just after 11:30pm.

I confess that every night before our court dates I have laid in bed awake all night counting the time difference between us and Ethiopia and wonder if our fate has been decided - "1am here is 10am in Ethiopia, maybe", "4am here is 1pm in Ethiopia, likely", "7am here is 4pm in Ethiopia, definitely", etc.

I confess that I check my email, blog, and forum a few times each hour. Pathetic I know.

I confess that my blog has just reached over 250,000 hits. However, after my last confession, I can safely say that I likely make up quite a few of those hits myself.

I confess that a very dear friend of mine sent me the most beautiful pendant (it says "Mother" in Amharic) in September and I wore it almost everyday, but put it at the bottom of my sock drawer when I arrived home from Ethiopia and have not looked at it since.

I confess that I have been a one-way blogger lately. I have been posting from time-to-time but have not been reading or commenting on many others.

I confess that I think all the time about where we would be right now if we would have passed on our first court date.

I confess that I did not send out Christmas cards this year, for the first time ever, and now I'm feeling guilty.

I confess that my 6-year-old daughter is in love with Justin Bieber. Like IN LOVE LOVE LOVE. She talks about him non-stop and when she watches his videos on YTV her face goes red and she hides under a blanket where just her eyes are showing. She received a Justin Bieber board game from our friends for Christmas and I have played that bloody game about 50 times already. Did you know that Justin Bieber has a dog named Sammy, his favorite color is purple, his bodyguards name is Buddy, he plays the piano and guitar, and his middle name is Drew...

I confess that I know way too much about Justin Bieber.

I confess that I HATE winter and that January is my least favor month, cuz it's still a long way to spring.

I confess that our life right now would make a great "Based on a True Story, Made for TV Movie", but not the Hallmark kind.

I confess that I bought Sara her first pair of skinny-jeans at Christmas. I have avoided buying them for over a year, but I finally succumbed after the billionth ask.

I confess that I am debating training for the full marathon again. I better decide, cuz I will need to get my ass in gear very soon.

I confess that I desperately want to see new pictures of Seth, even though we know he might not come home - he may not be our son, but he is still our boy.

I confess that the situation we are currently in is much more complex than missing or updating paperwork.

I confess that I prepared most of this post the same day I posted my last confession.