I think I'm still learning...

After A While Poem
by Veronica Shoftsall

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents are not promises
And you begin to accept your defeat with your head up
and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
And that you really do have worth,
And you learn and you learn,
with every good-bye - you learn.

The results may surprise you...or not.

So adoption is a very touchy subject for me these days - in other words, I rather NOT touch the subject... So instead I thought I'd post about something far less sensitive - politics...HAHA

I am certainly not going to get into my various views and beliefs - and if I'm being perfectly honest, I am far from politically savvy, but I do care about the general direction of things; so I thought I would pass on this interesting survey I found on the CBC website called Vote Compass. It is an online tool aimed at engaging Canadians in party platforms and policies. When you're done, Vote Compass produces a graph showing your electoral position. You'll see which party is closest to your views — and which is furthest away. And if you are really not into politics, I could see this being a useful overview of many of the "hot top" areas.

Go to Vote Compass to check it out. The results might surprise you...or not. Mine were pretty spot on, but Chad was a bit surprised at his results!

My next post will be on the topic of religion - anything to avoid that "other" subject... :) :) :)

I wish I could tell all of you in this post...

...that we received the “positive outcome” we were told to expect.

...that all the problems we have been experiencing with Seth’s adoption have been resolved.

...that we finally have Seth’s birth certificate and passport ready to go to Nairobi.

...that Seth is, 100% undoubtedly, coming home.

...that we can finally breathe again, live again, and just be again.

...that I will have my son in my arms soon.

...that everything we have endured over the past few months is now behind us.

...but I cannot and I don’t know if or when I will ever be able to...

It truly pains me to have to tell anyone that we are still in limbo and that NO ONE can tell me that everything is going to be OK. It hurts just to breathe sometimes. It hurts to think about my sweet boy and wonder if I will ever hold him again. It hurts to know that their are people who don't think we are good enough...that really hurts.

I often find myself wandering around in my own thoughts, trying to rationalize and make sense of everything that is happening - it can be all consuming some days. I want to scream out like an angry child "IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT FAIR. WHY? WHY? WHY?...", but there are things that happen in life that will never be explained. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to believe that this is all part of a bigger plan. It's just so hard to believe in anything sometimes.

We don't know when or if this will end, or what is going to happen or how, BUT I do know that my boy, MY SON needs us to keep fighting - for him, for this family, for what is right. So I will...for as long as necessary.

They stole so much more...

See the latest news on the Imagine bankruptcy at: Globe and Mail; CTV News Toronto (video); Winnipeg Free Press; Waterloo Recorder; Cambridge Now; Cambridge Times; and Guelph Mercury. For more background about what happened check out this post from last summer.

We have waited for this day for a long time, yet it seems so inconsequential give the magnitude and impact they left behind for so many families. Sue and Rick Hayhow caused more hurt and pain than they could ever really pay for. They did so much more than steal money – they stole hopes and dreams and wishes - they stole time and memories and celebrations – they stole innocence and integrity and sincerity of the adoption experience. The sadness and devastation they caused has left permanent scares for many people that may never heal.

I am not angry – I am disappointed and saddened by their actions. Consumed with greed and preying on vulnerability – how much more pathetic can someone really be?

I wonder what they are feeling about everything that has happened. I wonder if they have any regrets (besides getting caught). I wonder if they even believe they did anything wrong. I wonder if they feel any compassion whatsoever. I wonder what they would say to me if I were face to face with them. I wonder...

Confession Friday - Vegas Edition

I confess that we went to see “O” and it was by far my favorite Cirque du Soleil I have seen. It was amazing - I just can't believe how they used the water in the show. Highly recommended!!!

I confess that I don’t understand why anyone would pay to have their picture taken with a fat man wearing a bra and fishnet stockings.

I confess that we went for dinner on Wednesday evening (in Utah - we were there for Chad’s work conference after Vegas) and the waitress asked to see my ID after I ordered a drink – well, I almost hugged her. But then I thought I must be dreaming and said “Oh, you must be required to ask everyone for ID?” AND she replied “No, only anyone under 30.” DID YOU HEAR THAT???? UNDER 30!!!! Not bad, hey? Not bad at all.

I confess that I wonder how much those workers get paid handing out the sex cards all night long. I can still hear the clicking of the cards in my head.

I confess that I was so temped to call one of the numbers on the sex cards, just to see if the woman in the picture is the same one in person.

I confess that I am a cheap gambler. I only like playing the nickel slots, but most times I had to settle with the quarter slots cuz the nickel slots were really hard to find AND when I finally found them, they were surrounded by old ladies…

I confess that I am SOOOO addicted to tea. I actually planned my entire day around where I could find hot water. Yes, all I need is hot water cuz I ALWAYS carry tea bags in my purse - I never leave home without them!

I confess that Chad and I sat by the hotel pool one afternoon and I ordered one of those “OMG, who would order that ridiculously over sided gluttonous” slushy drinks and I drank the WHOLE thing. It was SOOOOOOO yummy!

I confess that even though I was asked for ID, I'm not so young anymore - my poor feet are killing me from all the walking we did. BUT I refused to wear sneakers when I got dressed up in the evening; despite the cramping and blistered feet, I still chose fashion over comfort.

I confess that I ate and ate and ate and ate ALL week long...I refuse to put myself on the scale until next week.

I confess that it was so strange having people smoking around us in the casinos. I have definitely become a smoke snob and we would move if someone was smoking too close to us.

I confess that I had the BEST steak dinner of my entire life at the Mon Ami Gabi at the Paris Hotel overlooking the Bellagio fountain.

I confess that we only took 4 pictures while we were in Vegas, and two of them were in the last couple hours cuz we were feeling so bad for not taking any.

Confession Friday, April 1

I confess that it is April fools and I can't think of any good tricks to play on Chad.

I confess that we were told that we would likely hear good news by the end of last week, BUT it is the end of a NEW week and we are STILL waiting...GRRRRRRRRR.

I confess that I NEED this snow to just GO AWAY! Come on already, ENOUGH!

I confess that on most nights I go to bed between 8-9pm. I love love love sleeping. And if I don't get my sleep I am literally nonfunctional the next day. It excites me when Sara has a playdate or birthday party on a Saturday afternoon, cuz all I can think about is my wonderful glorious restful nap.

I confess that we went to see the Watoto African Children's Choir last weekend and we enjoyed them so much.

I confess that my nephew didn't know whether to laugh or cry when he saw our bird. This is his laugh-cry face.

I confess that my confessions are pretty pathetic this week.