What may have seemed like a simple gesture...

I would have to say that my family has been our biggest advocates throughout our entire adoption journey. In fact, I think my family may be as anxious and excited about our referral as we are. We often talk about the arrival of our babe during our weekly Sunday dinners at my parents’ home - like when it will happen, how it will happen, how we might tell everyone, how old he or she might be, whether we can convince my parents to come with us to Ethiopia to meet their final grandchild, etc... My family has supported and encouraged us through every heartache and milestone along the way. In fact, my mom and sisters were as busy as I was after the bankruptcy, spending countless hours writing letters, contacting media and politicians, and sending emails to anyone who would listen.

I'm pretty sure I have not mentioned this before, but my younger sister is expecting her third babe and is due in February – Yippee, I can’t wait to meet my new niece or nephew.

On Christmas, my parents surprised my sister and her husband with a gift for their new babe - and they also surprised Chad and I with one too. What may have seemed like a simple gesture meant more to me than the gift itself. Although, my sister may have the physical signs of a pregnancy and a due date, we both have the minds and emotions of expectant moms. Their gift reminded me how important this adoption journey is to more then just Chad and I. And that there are many people in our life that love our unknown child (whom we cannot see or feel, but long-for and cherish all the same) - just as we love and anticipate the arrival of my sister's unborn child. This adoption is as real for them as it is for us and they have just as much emotionally invested in this journey as we do.

Chosen by Papa and Grandma, with love, especially for their long awaited grandchild...

Today also marks 18 months of waiting for our referral. I have great hope for the magic and miracles that the new year will bring our family...

One more sleep

May all your Christmas dreams come true!

Happy Holidays!

Chad Laura Sara

Miracles do happen - FIRST REFERRALS TODAY!!!!!!!!!! - Edited with an 's' on referrals

Who needs the poll now - we have our answer!!!

I cried and cried and cried for the first time in a long time today - I am filled with more joy then I ever thought possible - I am shaking and my stomach is in knots - it is the best feeling ever.

I am just flying so high right now!!!!

Don't forget to vote!!!! - Edited with results

Will there be an Imagine referral before Christmas 2009?
Yes, most definitely - 10 (28%)
Possibly, trying to stay positive - 6 (17%)
Probably not, but I am crossing my fingers - 14 (40%)
No, not a chance - 5 (14%)

Signs of an AMAZING Daddy...

He builds things with you.

He lets you use his hat on hot, sunny days.

He cuddles you at nap time.

He shows you his muscles and makes you say "Put those guns away."

He eats ice cream with you.

He makes the best horse EVER!

He's not afraid to get his hands dirty for a little fun.

and so much more...

(plus, some of the pictures are really funny and Mommy always likes a good laugh!)

A Personalized Email from Santa - Your kids will LOVE this!!!!

You can send your child a special personalized email from Santa! I did this last year and a friend reminded me about it again this year. Sara was in absolute amazement that Santa knew so many things about her - her name, where she lived, her hair and eye color, he had her picture in his special book, what she wanted for Christmas, that she was being good in school, etc. It is really well done and seeing the look on she face when Santa appears is well worth the set up time. You can view Sara's special message to see how GREAT it is! Enjoy.

To create your own message click here. BTW, you can also create a message specific to teenagers and adults.

Sucker for Punishment

I have been having this feeling lately...

This strange, yet all too familiar feeling...

Do I even dare say it...?

I am feeling like we are close!

Yup, that's right, I said it! I know, I can't believe I am even going there. Like I don't know any better or something - Like I don't know the all too familiar end to this story...a night of wine, chocolate and tears, when yet again, I realize that my 'feeling' is wrong. And the cycle of emotional abuse begins again...and again...and again...and again. What a sucker for punishment.

Thing is, as sad as that sounds, if I did not have the "ups" with the "downs", I have no idea how I would have gotten through the past few years - the up days push me through the down days. The ups bring hope and faith and make the downs (almost) bearable.

So why am I feeling so close...? There has been talk that we could possibly see referrals by Christmas - what a gift that would be - even though it will not be ours, the thought of ANY referral is so exciting. And once referrals start, I know that ours could not be too far behind...how could I not be up at the thought of that!?!?!

So, I will ride this feeling for as long as I can. And who knows, maybe (just maybe) it won't ever have to end...

Seventeen - edited with a WOOHOO

Wow, seventeen months of waiting for our referral - I can truly say that I NEVER thought I would be counting our wait for this long (and who knows how much longer). The irony is that if I think back to a year ago, I was far more anxious and consumed with the wait than I am today - it is hard to determine why this is - maybe one year ago we WERE soooo close (hahahaha)! - maybe I have become complacent with everything - maybe everything has been on hold for so long that I am just in that holding mode, almost a coping mechanism. Whatever it is - I'll take it for now. Maybe once things start moving again (like when the first referrals come through) I will be back to my old anxious self - won't that be exciting?!?!

One thing I do know is that today is the day that the retainer agreements are due. To be honest, I have really not spent a lot of time worrying about whether we will have enough families to continue. I am quick confident that we don't have anything to worry about. But I will certainly post once I know for sure.

------------
JUST GOT THE EMAIL WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR...246+ FAMILIES HAVE SIGNED ON WITH THE NEW IMAGINE - WE ARE OFFICALLY WAITING...AGAIN! COME ON REFERRALS!!!!!!!

Another BIG first

Responsibility

A few weekends ago I co-facilitated the mandatory adoption seminar for open-domestic adoption at our local adoption agency (where Sara was brought into our life). I was so thrilled (and nervous) that they had asked me – I am a strong adoption advocate and believe that, as an adoptive parent, one of my responsibilities (whether I asked for it or not) is to communicate with others about what I have learned about adoption, dispel the myths about adoption and share our experience of the miracle that adoption brings into a family.

With everything that has been happening with our current adoption, I wondered if I would be in the right frame of mind to share our adoption journey. Our journey has been filled with many ups, downs, joys and heartbreaks – but, in the end, it is our story – all of it – including the miracle of Sara and the wonderful relationship we share with her birthfamily, as well as the ache of our reversals and the decision to pursue international adoption and ALL the drama that has surrounded it. So, I decided to go into the session with 100% honesty, because the reality is that NO ONE has a 'perfect' or 'easy' adoption. But in the end, when the most incredible miracle is placed into your arms for the first time, you realize that faith, destiny, divine intervention, fate, and a higher power do exist - and everything that you have been through becomes so clear and (almost) forgotten.

The weekend started on Friday evening. The room felt heavy and thick with feelings of defeat, pain, bitterness, anger, desperation, uncertainty and scepticism. I remember being where they are (Hell, I'm still there some days). I remember sitting on the other side of the table and thinking that NOTHING anyone would say could make the pain subside - No words could heal the emotional torture we had endured for so many years.

As much as I wished I could have said to each family "This WILL happen for you soon, fast, and perfectly", there is never any guarantee, assurance or certainty in adoption (is there in anything we do?). I tried to offer families a sense of comfort and insight. It was important to me to be honest with them about the whole process. As amazing as the end is, the journey can be long and bumpy.

But, by the end of Sunday afternoon the mood in the room had shifted and the room seemed calmer, with feelings of renewed hope and belief - and it was an amazing feeling that I played a small part in that. At the same time, for me, it also provided renewed energy and reaffirmed our decision about our current adoption - it was a great weekend.

Retainer

Our retainer agreement arrived today - Yippee. For the first time in a few weeks I felt just a little moment of panic when I read "In the event that Imagine Adoption does not continue operations due to an insufficient amount of retainers received, the families will be notified and the retainer fee will be returned..." - Gulp - Could this actually happen? - No! I just can't go there, I won't go there - I believe that we have stood united throughout this entire process and that this retainer is simply our celebration of what we have accomplished and how far we have come in only four months. The retainer is a symbol of the end of this awful mess and the start of a new beginning for all of us.

We will be sending our retainer in ASAP, with no hesitations whatsoever.

"I will bring my baby home"...the one I dreamed of the other night!

I dreamed last night

I dreamed last night of my sweet precious baby - It kept me up for half the night - it felt so real, so right. I have not dreamed like that in a very long while. It was so perfect...I was holding him, kissing him, loving him...

soon...

"It's for my collection"

Sara loves to collect things - and when I say "things" I pretty much mean anything she finds. At school, when she plays outside in the playground she fills her pockets with "things" for her collection. Every few days I have to emptying her jacket pockets and disposing of the contents. I have found everything from bottle caps, grass, leaves, feathers, rocks (many many rocks), food wrappers, twigs, cigarette butts (gross), just to name a few.

The other day, as I was once again emptying her pockets, I came across something very interesting - a small baggy of marijuana. That's right, marijuana, about a gram worth. It took me a few moments to realize that I was actually seeing what I was seeing. And yes indeed it was! Sara saw me examining the bag and I asked her where she found it. She replied "At the playground, it is for my collection."

Like most things in her collection, we will be disposing of this item asap. And of course, we will be informing the school of her finding.

The Little Mermaid

Sixteen with Halloween, Christmas, etc.

Pretty quiet month on anything adoption related. Not much to say. Not much to report. Just waiting to see what comes next. So, instead of the same old sob story, I thought I would highlight our fun filled Halloween/Christmas weekend.

Sara is ready for Halloween - she has been counting down for over a month - we are now only "one sleep" away! She is going as Ariel this year, with a bright red wig and all - so cute! She has quite a day on Saturday, with a Halloween Birthday party in the afternoon and tricker-treating in the evening - I think trying to monitor junk food intake will be a complete write off that day - so, I plan to just go with the flow and let her enjoy herself - although, I will probably regret saying that late Saturday evening when she is bouncing off the walls and I can't get her to bed!

Sunday morning we will be celebrating Christmas with Chad's parents (with a Halloween theme!). They leave to go down south for the winter next week and we won't see them again until spring. Yikes, I guess I better get Christmas shopping - at least this Christmas Eve won't be as busy this year :0)

Sunday evening is the annual Adoption Candle Lighting Ceremony to celebrate the start of Adoption Awareness Month. This will be the 5th annual event and we are hoping for a great turnout - music, homemade instruments, adoption stories, and snacks - sounds fun to me!!

Busy weekend...but all fun stuff!

------------
Yesterday was a good day! We received our first official email from the new Imagine. It gave no indication of time lines, but it was extremely positive and included lots of details about communications and moving forward - after reading the email, I smiled...I felt more excitement about our future then I have in the long time - it was a really great feeling.

What a ham!

So what now? Good question.

Lately, I have no idea what to do with myself. Over the past few months I have been fighting so hard to get to this point, I didn't think about what I would do when I got here. I am feeling so vulnerable...YES, I can say with (almost) absolute confidence that "I will bring my baby home", but the "when" is so beyond me that I am having difficulty comprehending what this even means for us. Of course, we have never known the answer to "when" but we certainly had a indication or at least a heads up of our potential wait and delays.

We were sooooo close - in fact I could actually see the finish line, I could see our future and our completed family. Now we sit in more limbo and unknown then ever before. Will we know more next week? Next month? Next year? I can truly say I have no idea whatsoever.

Virtual Friends

"So, I have this friend...well, it's someone I blog with, an adoption friend I found online...I have never actually met or spoken with her...but what else would I call her??" Over the past year or so, I have repeated similar phrases when referring to my virtual blogging friends, while talking about adoption with family, friends, co-workers and others. At first, people looked at me a bit sideways as I referred to (what may seem like) 'virtual strangers' as 'virtual friends' - but I am confident that many of my blogging buddies can relate.

As time has passed, it is interesting that many people in my life are now expecting updates from me on all my 'virtual friends' asking "have you heard anything more about so-and-so?", "What is happening with their adoption?", "Did they get their referral yet?", “Are they home?” – The irony is that I know as much information as the people asking – following along online, blog by blog and post by post. However, the difference for me is the bond I share with my fellow bloggers - our adoption journeys - only those who have experienced any part of the journey can truly understand its meaning, depth, and emotions.

Regardless of whether I simply 'stalk' a blog, comment on a post or take the leap to send a personal email, it is still amazing how invested I have become in the lives of people I have never met. And at this point, I have almost become dependent on the support, words of encouragement, understanding, and the occasional (((((hug)))))...all the things friends do for us - virtual or otherwise.

I believe that everyone is brought into our life for a reason and that every encounter we have with someone is an opportunity to share, learn, and grow.

Who knew you could meet so many amazing people from coast to coast and beyond without ever having to leave your home?

Just a picture

More random Sara moments

Sara: "Our baby won't have a birthmom, right?"
Mommy: "Our baby will have a birthmom, but she will live far away in Ethiopia. So we can't visit her like we do with your birthmom."
Sara: "I will share my birthmom when we visit Birthmom."

-----------
We have started reading a book called "It's Not the Stork" (Great book to teach young children about babies, bodies, and all "that" stuff). Before we began reading the book I told she that "this book is about where babies come from." Sara replied, very confidently "I already know where babies come from. They grow inside a mommy's tummy or you can go to Ethiopia to get one!"

-----------
Sara: "If I do all my homework, the teacher will give me a chicken coop!"
Daddy: "A chicken coop???"
Sara: "Yah, a chicken coop to Boston Pizza!"
Daddy: "Do you mean a coupon?"
Sara: "Ummmmm."

-----------
We were driving on the highway, with farm fields all around us. At one point, we were overwhelmed with the smell of barn/manure, so to be funny, I rolled down the window to make it 'worse' and said "Oh, that smells sooooo bad!" And Sara replied, "Oh gross, I think God tooted!"

15 months

Although 15 months should feel like a huge accomplishment, in some ways it feels like we have started all over again. We have no idea whatsoever when our referral will come. We feel so close, yet so far - we are in a constant guessing game of "if this then that". I feel guilty for sounding so ungrateful, because there is no question that I am thrilled that we even have the opportunity to continue - especially with tomorrow being such a big day, with the agency reopening its doors. However, I also cannot wipe away the last 15+ months of waiting. And although we have accomplished so much over the past few months, there are still so many significant unknowns (relationships with Ethiopian orphanages and government, agency finances, timing of referrals, etc.), which is really scary. I really do wonder if this will ever end. Our life has been in a constant adoption waiting (panic, worry, numb, etc.) mode for many many years now - we really don't know anything else. It is hard to imagine any feelings of contentment or completion.

So we continue to do the only thing we know...wait.

Imagine passed court!!!!

The Imagine restructuring plan passed court today!!! Another milestone down. YIPPEE. The agency officially resumes operations in two days, Oct 1, 2009.

So now that the proposal has passed...?

With the success of the proposal passing, we have accomplished one more HUGE milestone towards bringing our baby home. The YES vote means that the creditors have accepted the restructuring plan and the agency can resume operations. However, before the agency can officially be brought out of bankruptcy, the plan must be approved in court, which is scheduled for September 29, 2009. From what I understand, the court approval is simply a formality and I will pray that the outcome is as such. Operations are expected to resume on October 1, 2009, which means:

* The bankruptcy trustee can release funds to the NEW agency.
* The agency can start flowing dollars again.
* The new board of directors can begin governance.
* Orphanages can be paid (they have not been paid since before bankruptcy).
* Relationships with orphanages can be re-established.

The biggest issue for me in all of this right now is the relationship with orphanages. Our success in re-establishing relationships with orphanages will determine when referrals will begin. Currently, the restructuring plan states that referrals will begin April 2010; however, I remain optimistic that these projections are conservative (as they should be) and provide only a "worst case scenario" view, and that referrals will resume as soon as their are children available. So for me, our BIG celebration will come after the first referrals are announced. Right now, I can't say whether it will be 4 months, 6 months, 9 months, or 1 year before our referral, but I suspect that ours will follow within a few months of the first referrals. I can't wait to get back on track!!!

One thing I now know, with confidence, is that I WILL BRING MY BABY HOME!!!!

And...

THE VOTE PASSED WITH 248 YES’S (~93%)!!! Court Date is September 29, 2009 at 10:00am...

I will bring my baby home!!!!

I Gotta Feeling

That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night

What a morning to remember...

Sara started her first day of kindergarten today - not only is my little baby girl growing up, which is difficult for me already, but this is how our morning went...
Notice the boys with big smiles on their faces, waving good-bye to mom. Notice the look on Sara's face while holding the teacher's hand - not quite the same expression. She had just been torn off my leg from a death grip by the teacher, crying "Mommy, I want to go home. Mommy, please take me home." And all I could do was snap pictures as quickly as I could, so we have something to look back one day - what a morning to remember. I actually laughed (I know, I am a sick mother) all the way to work, knowing very well that the moment she got inside that she would be just fine...which I was right. When we picked her up, she did not stop for a minute telling us all the 'cool' things about kindergarten.

Our vote is in...

YES YES YES.

Well...

here it is, the Imagine Restructuring Plan. So why am I not celebrating? My heart has been bruised so many times over the past few years, I am just not ready to take "the leap" and believe in all this 100%. I am in tears and I don't even really know why...they just keep coming and I can't seem to stop. I think all the waiting and anticipation (and still more to come) has really taken a toll on me. I don't want to come across as ungrateful - because I truly feel blessed that we have been given this potential opportunity and that moving forward is even an option for us. I just cannot seem to find a place of contentment - hopeful, yes (this has gotten me through, of which I am grateful), but joyful, celebratory, or peace of mind, not just yet...

5 years ago...

Sara came home to us.

(first time we saw her)

(first time we held her)

Happy Gotcha Day Princess!

14 months

Well, I have debated whether or not to mark our 14th month (you may have noticed that I skipped right passed 13, like they do on elevators - not a good month to remember). But I am determined to stay positive and live true to my mantra "I will bring my baby home". So with that...

CHEERS to 14 months! 14 months of waiting, wondering, and worrying...but somewhere across that big deep blue ocean our baby awaits. How much longer? - 8 more months, 1 more year, maybe even longer before we hold our sweet miracle - but the one thing I do believe (I must believe) is that "I will bring my baby home."

Funny how a picture can describe exactly how you are feeling.

I saw this and immediately could relate...

This truck was traveling from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail. It flipped end-over-end, across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which he was traveling.

Now look at the 2nd picture below...

I am the one in the passenger seat...not literally, but figuratively speaking. I am absolutely positively officially completely "on the edge" and can hardly stand the suspense of how this story ends.

One more week...

before the bankruptcy trustee is suppose to present the restructuring plan...

then another creditors vote to accept the plan...

then court to approve the plan...

then our plans live...

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Our Fancy Nancy

BTW, if you have a girly Girl, Fancy Nancy is The Perfect book for her!!!

I'm not superstitious...just precautious

I am not superstitious; however, over the past few weeks, I have implemented the following precautionary measures...just in case:

Crossing my fingers
Knocking on wood
Turned seven times in a clockwise circle
Got a horseshoe and rabbit foot (still trying to find a four-leaf clover)
Tried to follow the end of a rainbow
Wore my clothes inside out
Built a fish pond and got a goldfish
I am avoiding cracks, ladders, mirrors, black cats, and opening umbrellas in the house...

Did I mention that the bankruptcy happened in our 13th month of waiting?

But I reiterate, I am not superstitious... by the way, did I missing anything? :) :) :)

Positive thoughts are contagious

A positive mind anticipates happiness, joy, health and a successful outcome of every situation and action. Whatever the mind expects, it finds (R. Sasson).

I noticed the other day that Chad and I had once again started saying "WHEN that baby comes..." instead of "IF that baby comes..." Instead of feeling defeated we are hopeful. Instead of being devastated we are determined. My new mantra is...

I WILL bring my baby home.
I WILL bring my baby home.
I WILL bring my baby home.
I WILL bring my baby home.
I WILL bring my baby home.
I WILL bring my baby home.

Now say it with me..."Laura WILL bring her baby home"...that's right, positive thoughts ONLY.

"You idiot, I tried."

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”

The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left.

A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save him.” So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”

Am I the idiot on the porch? Are all these delays, barriers, brick walls, and dead ends God’s way of trying to tell me that we need to stop all this? That it is over? That our time has passed? Is the bankruptcy one of the boats and this is His way of trying to rescue me from drowning?

What if this is suppose to be the end? And if it is, PLEASE just let it be!!! I don't know how much longer I can hold on - I began to grieve this loss and now we are offered hope. This is torture…emotional torture.

Maybe this whole journey is some kind of test? A test of patience, of perseverance, of will, of determination, of resilience, of endurance…of insanity.

One thing I do know is that I am so tired and I sometimes want to give up...but then I dream of him again...His eyes. His hands. His skin. His smile.

Without You

Without You

Rent Soundtrack

Without you, the ground thaws
the rain falls
the grass grows

Without you, the seeds root
the flowers bloom
the children play

The stars gleam
the poets dream
the eagles fly
without you

The Earth turns
the sun burns
but I die, without you

Without you, the breeze warms
the girl smiles
the cloud moves

Without you, the tides change
the boys run
the oceans crash

The crowds roar

the days soar
the babies cry
without you

The moon glows
the river flows
but I die without you

The world revives
colors renew
but I know blue
only blue
lonely blue
willingly blue
Without you

Without you, the hand gropes
the ear hears
the pulse beats

Without you, the eyes gaze
the legs walk
the lungs breathe

The mind churns
the heart yearns
the tears dry without you

Life goes on
but I'm gone
'cause I die, without you
without you
without you
without you...

Vacation Bubble...POP...back to reality.

The three of us lived in a family vacation bubble for the past week - we ate, drank, swam, shopped, and laughed for 7 straight days. We spent a couple days in Minneapolis and then a few days in Wisconsin Dells. We so needed this...Now back to the real world...

Hopeful (but cautious)

Families impacted by the recent bankrupcty of Imagine Adoption voted yesterday at the first creditors' meeting held in Kitchener-Waterloo (THANK YOU RUTH FOR REPRESENTING US) to work with the bankruptcy trustee BDO Dunwoody to present a proposal to rescue the agency from bankruptcy. Work on the proposal should be completed within the next two to four weeks. If the proposal is accepted by the court, the restructured agency will continue to work to complete the adoptions of families.

This is just a first step, but my heart is beating (slowly and cautiously) once again...

"Latte Drinking Yuppy"

I made the mistake of reading a few comments after my interviews with CTV, CBC (local and national), CNN, and Wpg Free Press. "Latte Drinking Yuppy" was only one of the many names I have been called over the past couple weeks. Man, people are so uneducated and ignorant. I actually stopped reading comments after only a few (of 100s) - I was beginning to take the comments so personally, considering my face was in the photos. To combat this ignorance (if it is even possible), the local organization I volunteer for (Friends of Adoption Manitoba) submitted an article to the Wpg Free Press over the weekend. What else can we do besides try to educate others????

As an update, we continue to fight - I can't seem to stop - but I am still not quite sure that people understand what we are fighting for - will people really care about those of us with no referrals? - Most people only see us as losing money and nothing else. How do we fight for something we never had? How do we express to others that our baby has been a part of our family for many years now and just because we have not seen his face doesn't make it any less painful or devastating that we may never will.

Our journey is still not over...

Dear Mr/Ms MP - Just Copy and Paste

Find your Member of Parliament using your Postal Code:

Dear MP

I am writing to you regarding the recent bankruptcy announcement of Imagine Adoption, based in Cambridge, Ontario. This agency was one of only two that is currently licensed to complete adoptions in the country of Ethiopia. Many families from all over Canada (once approved by a provincial adoption agency) have become clients of Imagine Adoption. It has been reported that there are over 400 families that are directly affected by this tragedy.

In the long process to adopt, these families have invested both emotionally and financially in order for Imagine to fulfill not only a legal contract, but their dreams to complete their family. It is imperative that the contract be fulfilled and that these families may bring home their long awaited children from Ethiopia, whether they have received a child referral already or not.

This has been an already very long journey for most of these families. They did everything by the book. They trusted Imagine and the government who licensed them. I am asking that the government now take action to support all the families affected.

I am writing to you to ask for your help; to immediately determine a solution to facilitate and complete all of Imagine Adoption's active files affected by this bankruptcy.

It is imperative that the federal government take an active role in ensuring the well-being of the many hundreds of children and Canadian families who have found themselves completely at a loss in this situation.

We trust that swift government action will accompany the bankruptcy announcement of Kids Link/Imagine Adoption and we await your timely response to this letter.

Sincerely,

Perspective - "You are all I need"

Sara: "Mommy, before I came to you, were you sad?"
Mommy: "Yes, I was so sad."
Sara: "Did you cry?"
Mommy: "Yes, I cried sad tears. But guess what I did when you came?"
Sara: "You cried happy!"
Mommy: "Yes, I did, lots of happy tears."
Sara: " When Ethiopia opens up, you can cry happy tears again."
Mommy: "Yes. But you know what? You make me happy everyday. You are all I need, Sara. You are all I need, forever."

"Mommy can I write to our baby?"

Sara: "Mommy, can I write to our baby?"
Mommy: "What do you want to say? I can write it for you."

Dear Baby,
Goodbye baby. I miss you. I love you. I wish I had you. I want to hold you all the time and I want to kiss you. ("Mommy, can you write Xs and Os for me too?")
OXOXOXOX
Love, Sara

PLEASE HELP

Our family is one of hundreds of families across Canada affected by the recent bankruptcy announcement of our adoption agency, Imagine Adoption. Our hearts are breaking and cannot believe that our dreams are shattered. We are tired. We are devastated. We want to give up…but we cannot, we have dreamed of this child for so many years – this keeps us moving forward.

HOW YOU CAN HELP OUR FAMILY:

1. Sign the petition http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html
2. Make lots of noise – contact your local media and tell them that this is unacceptable.
3. Contact your local MP and ask that the Federal Government step in to assist in this tragedy – I will even help you draft something.

Thank you and please keep us in your thoughts and prayers – we are in for a very long ride.

I BEG YOU TO SIGN

I beg ANYONE who reads my blog to tell EVERYONE you possibly can to please sign...
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/SaveOurDreamofAdoptingInternatio/index.html
(after you sign, the site takes you to a donation page - you may skip this option)

One small step...PLEASE.

Paralyzed

I cannot speak. I cannot fight. I cannot move. I am paralyzed.

Thank you for being my voice.

Are prayers enough?

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/adoption-agencys-bankruptcy-devastates-families/article1217223/

Just pray

Please...for some kind of miracle...

"That's just the way God made me"

Mommy: "Sara, eat your cheese!"
Sara: "Well Mommy, I don't like cheese anymore. I can't help it...that's just the way God made me!"

It dawned on me the other day...

that the likelihood of getting a referral during court closures this year (August and September) is NIL, NADA, ZILCH, ZIP. With the new process of all children having to go through regional court approval before they can be referred means two months of static, stale, dead air, with no hope of moving forward for anyone. We will be sitting in limbo for over two months until courts regroup again in the fall.

I am really hoping that I am wrong, but what are the chances of regional courts staying open when federal courts close. I am still waiting to hear the details of all this...but I can already predict the outcome...as I am sure you can too...

This sucks...

Why do I even bother?

Because I NEVER receive the answers I want.
Because it is always a vague reply.

Because I can predict the answers before I ask.

Because it is always the same answer every single time.

Because I always feel like crap afterward.
Because I am always expecting more then what I get.

So we have now been "only two months away" since October and recently, the time has extended even longer. It has taken from January to July (over 6 months) to get through the May08 referrals (and longer for girls), which means, realistically we could be waiting well into or past December for our referral - OMG OMG, writing that just gave me a mini panic attack.

Remember a few months ago when I was feeling really good...well lately, the word "CRAP" comes to mind when I think about how I have been feeling. And not the kind that just sits there, but the kind you step in and gets stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Lovely, just lovely.

My marathon high and distraction is officially over - I knew it was too good to last. Will this EVER end??????????? I can't take this much longer...

A year in review.

To celebrate the one year mark let's go back a few years to better days...

My poor baby Lilypie just fell off the end of my tracker and had to start right back at the beginning - sometimes that is how I feel about this journey. I looked back at all my monthly entries over the past year and the following words decribe my feelings at each month of waiting:

1. Excited, naive
2. Hopeful, positive
3. Disappointed
4. Pissed, deceived
5. Numb, scared to feel
6. Energized
7. Feeling close
8. Realistic, trying to find distractions
9. No end in sight, bored
10. Never felt better, completely distracted
11. Reflective, moving forward

And now, the best words to describe completing month 12 would be...ALL OF THE ABOVE.

I wonder what 13 will bring...

"I didn't even feel it"

Mommy: (yesterday morning) "Sara, it is your birthday today! You are now 5-years-old!"
Sara: (mouth open and wided-eyed) "And Mommy, I didn't even feel it...I was sleeping the whole time!"

5h 13m 13s

I DID IT!!!!! I came in a little slower then I had wanted, but with most of the run at a temperature of 28C I'm just glad I was able to finish!!!!

A Conversation with Me, Myself and I

“When is this going to happen?”
“Maybe it won’t.”
"Of course it will, this is meant to be”.
“Who am I kidding; nothing in life is for sure.”
“I wonder how old he will be.”
“I wonder if she will have lots of hair."
“He will be beautiful."
"Don't get too excited, nothing has happened yet."
“I hope there are no more delays."
“Of course there will be more delays; there have been delays every month since the start.”
“Maybe something will happen this month.”
"Maybe I will get the call at work this week."
“Unlikely.”
"Are we going to be one of those families that EVERYTHING goes wrong?"
"We are going to be one of those families that everything goes right and your baby will be home before we know it!"
"Why hasn't my case worker contacted me?"
"Probably avoiding me because of more delays."
"I wonder if her hair will be hard to take care of."
"I won't have to worry as much about the hair with him."
"I have a long time to wait still."
"I can't believe that we might not even have a referral by summer."
"Everything happens for a reason blah blah blah"
"I wonder if we will meet his birth family."
"How old will she be?"
"Where will I be when they call?"
"They are never going to call."
"Why is it taking so long?"
"I need to see that beautiful face."

And so on and so on...over and over...

What do you talk to yourself about??????

I think I can I think I can

ONE WEEK until the marathon...yikes!

Running shoes/socks - check
Hat/shorts/shirt - check
Band-aids for blisters - check
Sport gels/drinks - check
ipod/nike+ - check

26.2 miles...ready or not, here I come.

Wow, those baby birdies are growing up fast.